Satan Claus
by Firenzie
Summary: One of the Chosen Children shares his views on jolly, ol' St. Nick. And it's not pretty. Literally. I would seriously not recommend reading this, as I was rather high (not literally) while writing it. It's total and complete stupidness. Read only if you w


Satan Claus  
By Firenze  
  
A/N: Sorry, ever since I noticed that Santa=Satan thing, I couldn't get it out of my mind. Then I remembered a story Jim Carrey had made up when he was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno about him and his siblings being terrified of Santa. Mix in a dash of inspiration from the Holiday Ball Jack in the Box commericals, and I'm set! So here you go. By the way, I in no way hate Santa Claus, and I'm not seriously associating him with the devil. This is just fiction, people. It's really stupid too. So let me add that in.  
  
WARNING: COMPLETE STUPIDITY, DORKINESS, PLAIN RETARDED, PLOTLESS, DUMB CONTENTS UP AHEAD! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!! You may feel yourselves getting stupider just from reading this. Codul hvea los fo typos i wsa to lasy to ues speel chec. As to why I posted this, I'll never know.  
  
Disclaimer: The few Digimon characters I mention in this belong to those huge, rich companies like Toei, Bandai, Saban, you know.  
  
***  
  
Every kid loves Santa Claus. They love to sit on his lap in malls and tell him what they want for Christmas. Addressed letters to the North Pole are sent every year by thousands of kids. On Christmas Eve, families leave cookies and milk for the man.  
  
I don't like Santa, but I don't dislike him either. To be honest...I'm TERRIFIED of Santa Claus.  
  
Everyone finds this strange and asks why... Well, haven't you ever thought about the concept of this man? He watches us all year long. Sort of the way Ken, when he was the Digimon Emperor, had about ten TV screens all focused on Kari. But this man has billions of screens focused on billions of children all around the world, and he can watch all of them! Then he judges our actions, deciding whether we were good or bad, naughty or nice, whether we deserve toys or coal. I mean, he sees us when we're sleeping, he knows when we're awake, he knows if we've been bad or good, so we have to be good for goodness sakes! He sees us on the toilet, in the shower! He sees us pick our noses or wedgies. He sees ALL. This is worse than the IRS having global satellites on us, watching us all the time! At least they aren't judging us...or are they? And we already have parents and grandparents to see if we're doing right or wrong... Why add a complete stranger to worry about looking perfect for?  
  
Now the concept of Santa. The mere thought of it all is impossible. On one night, he visits every single house in the world. Of course, there's the matter of time zones and such, so it's not exactly all one night, so I guess that makes it a little easier. But he sneaks into our houses through chimneys! And what about the millions of houses without fireplaces, such as my apartment? What does he do for those? He still sneaks his way in, eats the cookies, drinks the milk, and somehow squeezes back up the chimney, or out the door, or through the window, or down the toilet, or *something.* Now how can this man drink so many milk and cookies? Wouldn't he get sick? And if he's so fat, how can he fit down chimneys? And how does he have a bag and a sleigh big enough to contain and support the presents for all the children in the world? How does he know if we're Christian or not, or celebrate Christmas at all? And how could he visit all those remaining houses anyway? How does he know what we want if we don't ask? How can he survive living in the subzero Arctic? Why does he have so many names and aliases? Kris Kringle, St. Nicholas, the plenty of others. This man is mysterious, he's frightening...possibly even dangerous.  
  
Maybe he hurts us in the middle of the night, or steals some of our things. Maybe he's a crook, a burglar, a murderer, an evil man being disguised as a friendly, innocent kindly old man who loves giving to us. Why does he like making things for us and delivering them? What's his purpose?  
  
I have so many questions about Santa Claus. If I ever meet him...and I'm not talking the men they have dressed up in Santa suits in malls and stores, I would like to ask him these things sometime. Call it prying, interrogating, but how can I trust this stranger if I don't know what he's really like?  
  
I don't really understand how so many of them can love Santa Claus the way everyone does. I know I can't trust him. Maybe I have no reason to really fear him, but for some reason, the sound of reindeer bells frighten the bejesus out of me. And that earsplitting 'ho, ho, ho,' makes me shudder and cringe. Has anyone ever noticed that S-A-N-T-A easily switches to S-A-T-A-N? Maybe some people just don't get the connection, but I see it. Santa is pure evil.  
  
And I know this sounds terribly cliche, but don't love Santa Claus, "be afraid, be very afraid!"  
  
  
  
  
"What's the matter with him?" TK asked, curiously looking at Cody, who was sitting in a corner, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth, muttering total nonsense.  
  
"I guess that means he *doesn't* want to sit on the Santa Claus' lap?" Yolei said with a shrug.  
  
The Digidestined turned back to the youngest member. "Be afraid, be very afraid!" he cried out to them.  
  
"Oh well, his loss," Davis said triumphantly. "Last one to Santa is a rotten digi-egg!"  
  
The five children scurried to the man in a red velvety suit, trimmed with white fluff. He had a hat at a crooken angle on his head, a huge belly, a bushy white mustache and beard, and he sat on the chair in his miniature, wooden house.  
  
Cody's mouth was open, and it closed and opened again a few times, but he couldn't speak. As he looked at Davis sitting on the old man's lap, listing everything he wanted for Christmas, which included being able to beat TK at everything and have Kari fall in love with him, Cody caught the old man's eye.  
  
There was a dangerous gleam to those cold, black eyes. He winked at Cody, giving him a wicked grin, but the look vanished, making him wonder if it had only been his imagination. But no...it was real... Cody whimpered. Oh, his poor, naive, friends... What plans did Satan Claus have in store for them all? And what does this mysterious man have planned for us, the poor innocent children of the world? As Cody said, "be afraid, be very afraid!"  
  
***  
  
Extra notes on whatever the hell that turned out to be:  
  
That was just plain stupidness. It wasn't supposed to be funny, educational, it wasn't supposed to touch or move you, it was just giving you a peek into my weird, demented mind. But it kinda makes you wonder about Santa, doesn't it? Just kidding, the man is completely commerical. You probably still think I'm psycho.  
  
Actually, the idea for this fic started off normal, to simply have a Digimon character (Cody) to fear Santa. The 'be afraid, be very afraid,' was never actually intended to be in this, neither was that last scene with all the Chosen Children, or pretty much anything else that snuck it's way into this. Oh well, have a Merry Christmas, and fear the fat man! Ha, I'm on an eggnog high or something...just kidding, I wouldn't drink it, that stuff tastes like crap. I'm just hyper and very weird sometimes.  
  
I don't expect positive reviews, I just want some kind of feedback at all...it saddens me when so many people read and don't take two seconds to review, even saying just one or two words or something. I don't even care if you don't have something good to say! Because I know you don't! Just make my Christmas a little happier by sharing your opinion, however bad it may be. ...Please? 


End file.
